of career, family or both

This problem has been bugging me for a long time.I have been uncertain about the life after SPM.May be I shouldn't have think until that far but then after seeing my sis busy conducting the assignments given by the uni so that they can justify whether she is qualified to be accepted into the prestigious uni in us .It is quite a tedious work because we have to crack our brain thinking of how to write an essay that outshine the others and can impress the marker.Sis has been asking for our opinion regarding the questions that were asked by certain uni.She has been applying for uni in pennyslyvia state n others.

This led me wondered what is going to happen to me after my SPM.Will I excel in my examination and landed with a scholarship like my sis.As her younger sis, I always feel some tinge of jealousy because she can further her study in other country without wasting my parents a single penny.She is a bright student that I feel sometimes she overshadowed me.For me, she is the organised and the confident one and me, on the other hand, breakdown consistently.The term consistently means after a short while embarking on something, I might felt too overwhelmed that I don't have the intention of doing it.

My mum labelled me as 3 minutes degrees in chinese.That means that if I do anything, initially I am enthusiastic about it but after a short while, my interest in that thing will diminish that I just finish the task with average result.My sis, on the other hand sometimes is indifferent about the matter but if she is really determined about it, the outcome is always brilliant.This is the quality about her that I envied and yearned for but probably will never get.She is a strong person.I have always been the emotional person.Next year might be different for me but next year is also the most crucial year of my life.I want to get scholarship yet I don't want to.I may sound conceited to say that getting scholarship sounds easy, but to be honest, to get it, we need100 percent of hard work .'Di mana ada kemahuan, di situ ada jalan' is undeniably a genuine quote, if we don't work hard for it, how can we get what we longed for.

But if I get, that also translate to I have to leave my family for a few years.As an introverted person when I was small,I sought warmth and companion from my father.I remembered vividly every night, I would go to the master bedroom and sit at father's side.I would volunteer to massage his aching shoulder.I enjoyed pressing his shoulder hard.Sometimes, he would grimace when i hit the correct place.His face creased like crumple paper(exaggerate) and his teeth was pressing hard on each other.I will ask him whether was it painful.He answered me nonchalantly that it was not painful at all.He lied.And then, after that he would tell me he felt better and his shoulder was not painful.Usually i spent one hour talking to him.Sometimes, he would tell me about his childhood memories.

When I went to camp for a few days, I will miss them and feel unright because usually everyday, i will be seeing my parents.I might be too sentimental or I have been mollycoddled by parents that being independent sounds impossible to me.How can I live in a foreign country for a few years.

Now, I am not so introverted like before, thanks to xh.He craps a lot so he tends to influence me.I am a crapper too,lol.Now, I am confused about my future, I wish to get scholarship like many other people did.But i don't want to leave my family.I want to study hard and aces in my exam but getting it means having a sheet that have infinite As on it.Ten years later, will the paper affect my career.Is it getting straight As means that my career will be a triumph.Will all these things matter.For those who want to get scholarship, this is their aspiration to study hard but for me who doesn't wish to get, why am I studying so hard for??For those who knows me well might comprehend all these words and know my dad(ahem, his age).I used of dream of him leaving me.

My friend told me it was a dream but why the dream was so significant it make me cry.I was so lost in confusion.I came to a solution, i will set a goal of getting scholarship for local uni so that I won't burden them much.I am adamant on reaching the goal.For those who read these, I just want to let u know that studying wihout purpose or studying because of kiasu-ness or finding excuses to not study are wastage of time.Everyone that get good result really strive hard for it.There are no smart people in this world, there are only hardworking people.Chaoz for now.This post is meant to be reminder.Maybe when I wanted to give up, I read this post and I will slowly regain my strength and confidence.But, these are my thoughts and I hope my friends will know and understand it.

F.A.M.I.L.Y

I am proud of my house.This statement does not mean that i am an egoistic person who is so enthusiastic about flattering myself and downgrade others in return.Literally, my house is not huge.It is just a small cosy house with washed-out paint and many lizards.Mouse are also the frequent visitors that have always succeeded in contaminating this already aging house.

But, in actual context, my house resembles my family, the people who never failed to cheer me out when tears are threatening to pound out from my already battering eyes.My family are also the people who provide me shelter and solace when I failed terribly in controlling my temperament emotion.Family are also the one who won't judge us in any circumstances.If we are born deaf, they accept us with their purest affection.If we are born Down Syndrome, they will love us tenderly like we are their most precious treasure.They will neither despise us nor will they abandon us.

As always, family are our flesh, the gifts that Almighty God bequethed to us.Although i can't handle my spirituality or my faith well, but the context family is the most important has always been my frequent reminder when i come across any obstacle.Indeed, without family, our life will not be complete.There will always be a big black hole in our life when they no longer exist.So, now, i urged the others to appreciate their family.Spend more time eating dinner with them.Although when eating, we might not have the chance to engage in conversation(we can't eat and talk at the same time)At least, we can feel the connection that has bound us and let us sitting around the same table, enjoying each other company

holiday

elaine asked me why i didn't update my blog, so now maybe i can update about what has been happening around me lately..last sunday, I went back to kampong to celebrate my grandma's 91 birthday..she is almost a century old..our kampong is sekinchan, it's my mum village actually, usually, for the past years, we will celebrate grandma birthday with my other relatives. My grandma is actually greatgreat grandma to 8 babies now, impressive rite??My cousin is older than my mother which also indicate that my cousin is already 50 over, then the babies army have to called me and my siblings grand aunt or grand uncle..our ranking in the family tree is indeed high..Balik kampong is something that I am excited n gets gaga about, usually we went back, we will head to the kuala selangor to have our seafood feast there. But, today is different, we brought grandma out for lunch, we brought her to my another cousin kopitiam.Grandma dun really have the opportunity to eat out because she has trouble walking, usually her maid usiah will hold on to her and grasp her tightly so that she won't topple over.Honestly, grandma has this pear body shape, her waist is enormous but she has small legs.We brought her to makan fish head n bah kut teh, which is her favourite, unlike other senior citizen, she loves meats, A LOT!!However, after years of so called observations, grandma can live for so long because, she sleep early every night, around 9 something n wake up early too.After she wake up, she will move with some buddhist incantations repetitively.When she is eating, she tends to bite her food non stop until the food becomes crushed and soft and then she swallowed her food..Among all her routines, I only practice eating slowly and indulgently..But then, it's not like I want to live longer.That day, grandma looks so happy and radiant,although she has faced many obstacles for the past years, especially her failed body functioning, she is still strong.After we makan, we went back to grandma 's house n started playing with the babies.

this is usiah, at the left .








this is hong yue, the eldest and the naughtiest among all, he is going to be in standard 1 next year.His hobby is beating and bullying the other babies.

hong yang, everyone called him yang yang because he is born in the year of goat.Sometimes, I can't fathom his words because he has this this mickey mouse squeaky voice.His speech is usually blur n gibberish.Very naughty too,he is the clone of his brother.








Hong Zhen, my favourite baby, initially, he doesn't like me to hug him or play with him, gradually, he starts to soften n let us play with him, at the end of the day, he will say goodbye to us like we are his closest friends, but then the next time we visit him, he won't recognise any of us at all n start not to bother us again.


Xing Ying, sister og hong zhen..very mischievous girl, like the rest of the siblings, she enjoyed beating people.A little daredevil, she can be sweet and innocent, but when we offend her, she will treat us terribly.No offense, girl.










Xing Ru, the introverted one.She will run away whenever I approach her.She seldom smile,but when she smile, she has this genuine smile.Because she is the quite shy, she is the most pampered among all..Her mum paid extra attention to her.








She looked scared out of her wit..I seldom talk to her, this gal sticks to her mother like magnet. When her mum is not there, she is napping.









my favourite baby girl..She is fragile to me, she looks vulnerable..She looks as if she is going to break into piec es any time if we didn't embrace her gently and compassionately..She rarely speak because maybe she haven't learn her 1st word or she is just too caught up with peering around.Her eyes always dart to all direction, hehe.. But when she stare directly at me, my heart will melt.

Hong Zhen, who I haven't get the chance to take a snap on, is now my new favourite baby..He is the youngest among all.He is so chubby that i just want to pinch his cheek again n again.But then today, when I am holding him, he peed on my pants.It was quite a memorable incident..Maybe, its his way of greeting me.



I still have more babies to introduce but that's all for now, I am getting sick of babies, lol..chaoz.

1 utama

My brother is going back to his uni next week, so he said he wants to go to 1 utama for one last time to buy all our chinese new year clothes.Like usual, we walked whole day, this is the 1st time i really enjoyed shopping cause I get to purchase stuffs instead of looking at them and walk away.I helped out in choosing my little brother clothes.He got a brown capri pants and a shirt from SAM..It was quite a good combination.

My big brother got clothes from padini concept store and I gt a blue button shirt from padini.Then, i gt a jacket from nicole.It was my most expensive purchase.From afternoon, we walked till 5.00 pm only we go back.Another day spent like that.At night, I have to attend some religion ceremony.Although I convince myself that I hate shopping, in the end, shopping is everyone favourite, it is the fact that never change.