of career, family or both

This problem has been bugging me for a long time.I have been uncertain about the life after SPM.May be I shouldn't have think until that far but then after seeing my sis busy conducting the assignments given by the uni so that they can justify whether she is qualified to be accepted into the prestigious uni in us .It is quite a tedious work because we have to crack our brain thinking of how to write an essay that outshine the others and can impress the marker.Sis has been asking for our opinion regarding the questions that were asked by certain uni.She has been applying for uni in pennyslyvia state n others.

This led me wondered what is going to happen to me after my SPM.Will I excel in my examination and landed with a scholarship like my sis.As her younger sis, I always feel some tinge of jealousy because she can further her study in other country without wasting my parents a single penny.She is a bright student that I feel sometimes she overshadowed me.For me, she is the organised and the confident one and me, on the other hand, breakdown consistently.The term consistently means after a short while embarking on something, I might felt too overwhelmed that I don't have the intention of doing it.

My mum labelled me as 3 minutes degrees in chinese.That means that if I do anything, initially I am enthusiastic about it but after a short while, my interest in that thing will diminish that I just finish the task with average result.My sis, on the other hand sometimes is indifferent about the matter but if she is really determined about it, the outcome is always brilliant.This is the quality about her that I envied and yearned for but probably will never get.She is a strong person.I have always been the emotional person.Next year might be different for me but next year is also the most crucial year of my life.I want to get scholarship yet I don't want to.I may sound conceited to say that getting scholarship sounds easy, but to be honest, to get it, we need100 percent of hard work .'Di mana ada kemahuan, di situ ada jalan' is undeniably a genuine quote, if we don't work hard for it, how can we get what we longed for.

But if I get, that also translate to I have to leave my family for a few years.As an introverted person when I was small,I sought warmth and companion from my father.I remembered vividly every night, I would go to the master bedroom and sit at father's side.I would volunteer to massage his aching shoulder.I enjoyed pressing his shoulder hard.Sometimes, he would grimace when i hit the correct place.His face creased like crumple paper(exaggerate) and his teeth was pressing hard on each other.I will ask him whether was it painful.He answered me nonchalantly that it was not painful at all.He lied.And then, after that he would tell me he felt better and his shoulder was not painful.Usually i spent one hour talking to him.Sometimes, he would tell me about his childhood memories.

When I went to camp for a few days, I will miss them and feel unright because usually everyday, i will be seeing my parents.I might be too sentimental or I have been mollycoddled by parents that being independent sounds impossible to me.How can I live in a foreign country for a few years.

Now, I am not so introverted like before, thanks to xh.He craps a lot so he tends to influence me.I am a crapper too,lol.Now, I am confused about my future, I wish to get scholarship like many other people did.But i don't want to leave my family.I want to study hard and aces in my exam but getting it means having a sheet that have infinite As on it.Ten years later, will the paper affect my career.Is it getting straight As means that my career will be a triumph.Will all these things matter.For those who want to get scholarship, this is their aspiration to study hard but for me who doesn't wish to get, why am I studying so hard for??For those who knows me well might comprehend all these words and know my dad(ahem, his age).I used of dream of him leaving me.

My friend told me it was a dream but why the dream was so significant it make me cry.I was so lost in confusion.I came to a solution, i will set a goal of getting scholarship for local uni so that I won't burden them much.I am adamant on reaching the goal.For those who read these, I just want to let u know that studying wihout purpose or studying because of kiasu-ness or finding excuses to not study are wastage of time.Everyone that get good result really strive hard for it.There are no smart people in this world, there are only hardworking people.Chaoz for now.This post is meant to be reminder.Maybe when I wanted to give up, I read this post and I will slowly regain my strength and confidence.But, these are my thoughts and I hope my friends will know and understand it.