unexpected letter..

Dearest Tara,
When first our relationship began, when we treaded into new waters and became infatuated with one another, I felt truly happy, like I was finally becoming whole again, a feat that I never felt that I’d be able to accomplish. I loved the fact that we could spend almost the whole week together for the last few weeks of Upward Bound, that we shared a room and had so many accepting friends of our relationship. I felt so incredibly happy then… Which makes this all the harder for me- to lose that happiness, and perhaps our friendship with my next words.
My vision has slowly begun to clear, and the fog of happiness is dissipating. These past few weeks have really tried my emotions and I can’t take the overload. You’re too innocent… ignorant, for lack of better words, for me. Our first kiss was a phenomenal experience for me, I loved it… loved you. We grew bolder and allowed our hands to roam for the first time in my own bedroom. Feeling you squirm beneath me…. Writhing in pleasure and begging for more, it excited me to no end. I loved taking you over the edge each and every time. And each time I was left to wallow without having been satisfied, while you slept so very peacefully while I pretended that you had satiated me. Now don’t get me wrong, this is not about bad sex or anything, it’s about a loss of feelings…
I don’t really know how long I’ve felt this way- that our relationship was becoming sour, and I’ve no want to hurt you or anything thereof, but the truth of the matter is- I have. I’ve felt caged in, unloved, more like a tool for sex than anything else. I know that for quite some time now I’ve felt that all you want from me is for me to satisfy you and only you. I guess this weekend really sealed the deal, you left while I was sleeping- a time that I really needed for rest. You didn’t understand my side of it, the fact that I’ve been home and dealing with a lot of crap lately. How tired I was, how ill I felt, and the fact that my legs hurt me so bad that I’ve practically got to walk sideways. All you wanted was fun for you. And when I wouldn’t give you that you left. You just left me there and I can’t tell you how abandoned I felt at the time. It’s made me realize that us- our relationship… Just hasn’t been working out the way that I wanted it to.
When you’re sad or upset- I do my best to comfort you, to wipe away your tears of sorrow and to make you feel better. I listen to everything that you have to say, and I cheer you up as fast as I can. But I’ve noticed, when I’ve descended into the deepest of sorrows, you aren’t there. It’s as if you don’t care for my pain, my feelings, and my very existence. I’ve been through so much lately, and in the past that I just can’t take it anymore.
Did you know that when I was younger I was raped? That I was abused by my uncle? I’ve no doubt that you don’t, because either I’ve never been able to find a time to tell you, or because you’ve forgotten since it seems such a trivial matter to most. Not many seem to understand how I feel, not even many of my closest friends. I try though… I try to smile brightly for them, for you. I do my best to put on a brave front every day. But my emotions have been so far tried that I can’t take it anymore. I’ve already broken down, perhaps because of the demon that preys on me when I’m alone, when I’ve fallen deep into the pit of sorrow and helplessness. And yet you’ve not shown a single ounce of caring. Every night that I’m there, you ask that I hold you until you fall asleep. And yet I ask- who holds me until I fall asleep? Who is there when I can’t take life? Who comforts me when I’m so far lost to grief that I curl up in a corner and cry until I can’t cry anymore? Nobody does. Not even you. And I’ve begun to realize that- my totally hopeless situation. It’s quite obvious that I’m not supposed to find someone who will make me truly happen, though I wish for it every day nonetheless. I beg and plead for something that is not to be.
I’ve been so very miserable lately and you’ve given it no notice. Instead, when I start to speak of my troubles, you suddenly bring up how much you hate your job, and almost anything else. If you must hate me, then so be it. I’ve done my best to make you happy and it’s only serving to stress me out more and draw me back down into the pit of depression.
There is no second chance with this relationship, but, in the best possible way, I hope that we can still be really good friends even if we lose our intimacy.
Deidra.
A/N: So, yeah, this is a letter that I sent to my ex. To explain a few things- yes I dated a woman. Is it so terrible to be bi-sexual or even gay? I don't think so. It doesn't make us any more of a sin than any other human being on this planet. Anyway, most of the things in this letter were things that I wrote while depressed and highly stressed due to my homelife... Some of it I didn't mean. The reason I'm putting this up here is because I thought that though it's a personal letter, it is oddly well written, and I wanted other opinions on it. Please, if you're against gay or bi-sexual individuals and want to flame me, don't do it. I respect distasteful replies written in highly tasteful fashion. Thank you.